Estelle Ana Baca

Category: Rebirth

New beginnings.

  • 20/20

    Ultimately, the goal is to get something done, if only to put down something after a life-rrrreally-got-in-the-way hiatus.

    10-line, 11-syllable terza rima, here:

    20/20.

    You are more than this gradual expansion,
    more than the taut lengthening of the tendons,
    or shifts in the centers of gravitation.

    All systems are preoccupied with functions
    in constructing your channels, your inner sparks,
    synthesis of tissues, each in cohesion.

    Quickening in the blood, of sinewed bulwarks
    detecting your subtle movements in rapport
    with stippling sensations and bright and bowed arcs,

    you’re a celebration I’ve always hoped for.

    ♥ & damn glad to be back,
    EAB

  • (a sunflower by any other name)

    I’m getting married in October, and among the millions of decisions I have to make between now and the hour of my wedding, I also have to make a decision about whether to change my name.

    ::siiiiiigh::

    I’m a self-identifying feminist—and a vitriol-spitting, fire-breathing one of late, given this Hobby Lobby disgrace—and I have never wanted to change my name. It was what I was born with, I’ve carried it around with me for almost thirty-eight years, and it suits me: Estelle Ana Baca.

    I already navigate a steady stream of appellation ambiguity. First of all, my name at birth was Estelle Anne Baca, but my dad wanted to call me Ana, thus initiating the childhood ritual of correcting everyone who saw my legal name and addressed me by names that seemed too mature (Estelle) and too pristine (Anne) for my childhood spirit (Ana). Consequently, everyone I met before I reached age 21 knows me as Ana.

    When I moved to New York at 21, I wondered what it would be like if I stopped correcting everyone when they inspected my IDs. I felt like a grown woman, which meant I finally felt powerful enough to carry around the weight of an unusual, old name, and I started introducing myself to people as Estelle. And always Estelle, never Stella—my aunt’s variant, plus I grooooan at Streetcar exhortations—and never Estella—that Dickensian form belonged to my grandmother and not me. Just Estelle, as Sartre preferred it.

    Therefore, in most circumstances I cling to my full name as I have come to embrace it: Estelle Ana Baca. I identify as Estelle and as Ana. I answer to both. I refer to myself as both, and while I really have no preference, I do mandate that if given a choice when meeting me, that acquaintances subsequently refer to me as the name with which I introduced myself. See, Ana-people switching to Estelle-people makes it too tough for me to keep straight, and I look like an idiot when it looks like I don’t know my own name.

    I’ve never been the kind of woman who idly perused wedding magazines to find the perfect dress before I even had landed the perfect man, or who knew the carat size of the diamond she was going to have on her engagement ring—and for the record, J gave me a pale green sapphire—and so the thought of testing out my name with someone else’s surname appended to Estelle Ana always sounded absurd. My name is my name. Even when faced with the same situation years ago, I never changed my name. Why would I?

    Life, however, has a sense of humor, and in the way that some people port around with them an air of nonchalance or a rapier-sharp wit, I have a knack for attracting unusual circumstances that require verbose explanations whenever possible. My husband-to-be’s surname is C de Baca, which is a contraction of Cabeza de Baca, meaning head of the cow. (And yes, you’ve teased it out correctly, my surname means cow in old Spanish.) Unless you’re from New Mexico, you’ve probably never heard of such a name. Many assume that the C is a middle initial and incorrectly prune it down to de Baca, which is as much of misnomer as referring to him as my leaner, meaner, all-inclusive-eyeballs-to-entrails-of-the-whole-cow Baca. He is constantly and ever explaining his name to anyone and everyone who isn’t from New Mexico.

    Since we started dating, people outside of our home state of New Mexico started wondering if we were already married—Wow, that was quick!—or if we were related—Game of Thrones is fiction, thank you!—based upon the similarity of our surnames. In fact, many remarked, “At least you don’t have to change your name if you two get married!”

    But here we are, and there is a decision to be made because my fiancé would really prefer it if I took his name after we’re married.

    JMC: Why be the whole cow when you can be just the head?
    EAB: But if it’s got only the head, it’s got no heart. And no spine and no guts and no asshole, and they’re important, too.

    Yes, our conversations have actually included the above dialogue in our negotiation. Part of it is silliness, but it’s also because we’re dealing with an all-or-nothing type situation. Given the nature of our similar surnames, it’s hard to find a compromise. We can’t really hyphenate. In fact, utilizing traditional Spanish naming customs, my surname becomes a curiously palindromic Baca (Sánchez) de C de Baca, and any future offspring’s apellidos are C de Baca Baca, which sounds undoubtedly redundant. I have a hard enough time with my first names that introducing a stutter feels masochistic. I’ve suggested that perhaps we both change our names to de Baca, which my husband-to-be perceives as a genealogic decapitation.

    I’ve asked a few women who changed their name after marriage, and the answer is typically rooted in instilling a sense of family unity. My bridesmaid of honor recounted that her chain of reason for taking her husband’s surname culminated in the notion that she wanted for them to have a common appellation, like a team name, that they both could get behind. I can’t argue with that at all. It makes sense to me to have a family name. I fully promote the idea of our children taking their father’s full surname regardless of my own surname.

    From my own perspective, the sense of family unity is already built-in when given the widespread assumption afforded by our similar surnames, but my groom doesn’t see it that way. His name is frequently mutilated when folks aim for consistency and opt for Baca over C de Baca. Just as I am sensitive to the fact that my name is my name as it is, and stripping me of Ana is just as insufferable as is stripping me of Estelle, so I can see why one might lose their head over such repeated confusion.

    As for my issues with changing my name, most of them are rooted in the notion that I disagree with the assumption that I should be the only one who should consider it. We live in a society that is patently patriarchal despite our efforts, so of course it still falls upon the purported mutability of women to alter their monograms after marriage. I’ve never really been warm to the idea of hyphenation because they generally feel clunky, and many of the women of my generation who grew up with hyphenated names were quick to dispose of them when they got married. And as for clunky names, one of the reasons I am still unconvinced about changing my name is that Estelle Ana C de Baca has so many pieces that it reads more like an encoded pentatonic musical scale than a monogram.

    Therefore, dear friends, what does one do? Your advice is appreciated. Do I hold fast to my convictions, or do I sentence myself to still more explanation when it comes to the nature of my name? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

    UPDATE! July 8, 2014, 10:52 am EDT

    Since I wrote this yesterday and opened it up to discussion here and on Facebook, I’ve gathered some fantastic great perspectives from married (and sometimes divorced) friends who have had to make a choice. In writing about it and discussing it, I’ve come to realize that it’s not so much my surname that I’m connected to but more my given names than anything else, and opting for one or the other to complement a complicated surname is what gives me pause. No matter how you look at it, the pentagonal, agglutinating structure of EACdb is a mouthful, esp. when I’ve embraced the wobbly simplicity of EAB over the last thirty-eight years.

    This thread also sparked a few private conversations in regard to family legacy. Baca isn’t a common name, but C de Baca doesn’t even register in databases on account of its rarity. That in itself is a huge argument for its preservation and promotion.

    Yet, while it doesn’t seem like a big deal to just add C de to my existing surname, it is. Think of how different theism becomes when you add the a- and transform it into atheism.

    Nevertheless, transformation isn’t something to be feared if it yields an improvement.

    …right?

  • #yesallwomen

    It’s hideous that there’s a laundry list of verifiable shit that I’ve had to endure as a female—from saccharinely delivered condescension and objectification to sexual harassment in the workplace and rape—and what’s worse is that the shame of admitting it is almost greater than the need to name it and brand it for what it is: UNACCEPTABLE. Feminism is absolutely necessary, and while I hope that equality awaits us in the future, we cannot delude ourselves into thinking that there’s any rest until we get there. Keep on keeping on, ladies! (And men and transgenders who want an actually level playing field.)

  • Serially – #MoG Book 2!

    A few weeks ago, I came across a link for James Altucher’s The Ultimate Cheat Sheet for Reinventing Yourself. It’s a useful guide that I found rather motivating, esp. as I’ve had to reinvent myself a few times over the last eight years. I’ve come to refer to specific episodes as named chapters that hyperbolize the conflicts and events that transpired and, more importantly, have led me to the happy place I am now. Here’s a short list:

    Mrs. A & the Near Death Experience of 2006
    in which I spend three solid months battling Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus (MRSA), leave England and nearly die. Literally.

    The Bangs Disaster of 2009
    in which I learn that I can no longer teach in public schools, mourn the death of my beloved dog and suffer the consequences a terrifically unflattering haircut, all within a four-week period.

    The Renaissance of 2010
    in which I write two of the three books of Ministers of Grace and embrace vegetarianism. And in which my hair grew back quite nicely.

    The Great Californian Misadventure of 2012
    in which I cack-handedly attempt to escape a dead-end situation by moving and then unmoving to the Bay Area.

    The Great Relocation Adventure of 2013
    in which, among many incredible things, I move back home to NYC and subsequently move eight times over eight months to seven different apartments in a sanity-straining attempt to find an actual place to call home. And in which I discover what Home really is, and it’s more spectacularly amazing than I could have imagined. 

    So I’ve got some big shoes to fill with 2014. And what have I been doing? Mostly resting and nesting and arresting. But now it’s time to get back to it, and that it is the giant it that has been the primary creative occupation for the last four+ years of my life. I knocked out the first draft of the entire trilogy over the course of fifteen months, and while I’ve put the first book between covers, I still have (mal)lingering first drafts of Books 2 and 3 that are starting to bum me out due to lack of progress…

    …and right now, I’m in dire need of motivation and craving an immense challenge…

    THEREFORE

    After much introductory fluff, I am announcing that I will be releasing Virtues & Occultations, Book 2 of the Ministers of Grace trilogy in single-chapter-long, weekly installments every Tuesday starting April 22nd, 2014, albeit with a two-week hiatus in the middle to rest my brain and fingers. If this works, I might do the same for Book 3. If it doesn’t, then we’ll figure something else out. I anticipate that this exercise will not only force me to finish the blasted redraft but, as I do thrive when I’m forced to write on command, I expect that the endeavor will produce a version of the novel that I wouldn’t have written had I not attempted to deliver it in that format.

    Now—I know I’ve been flaky about starting things on my site and not finishing them. But I’d like to assure you that the things I’ve abandoned hadn’t yet seen a completed first draft, so know that while might seem ill-advised, I do already have the blueprint (with rickety prose) in place (that I haven’t touched with any deep and prolonged sincerity since October 30th, 2010).

    So just as I’ve provided you with a chapter list of my life, I will commence with a chapter outline for Virtues & Occultations, which I will release next Tuesday, April 15th. It’ll give you a taste of what’s to come.

    Join me while I don a Dickensian coat and reinvent the second installment of my trilogy, won’t you?

    ♥ EAB

    P.S. If you haven’t already read it, Book 1, Cherubim & Seraphim, is available for 99¢ in various eformats and $9.99 between trade paperback covers. And if you have read it, I highly recommend leaving a review on Amazon, Goodreads or Shelfari. All the details here.

    UPDATE: You all should really check out the page for Book 2: Virtues & Occultations. It’s got a plot summary and a prettyish cover.

     

  • BYE 2013: Best Year Ever listings (+ a brief #MoG update)

    It’s been a slow process, but I’ve been able to gather the extent of my literary losses following the untimely dispatching of my hard drive in October. It could’ve been way worse, but here was the damage: I lost the first drafts and doodlings of my most recent poems, the redrafting I’d accomplished in August of Ministers of Grace Book 2: Virtues & Occultations, and an embarrassing number of photographs that never made it to Instagram. Somehow I’ve been able to sleep at night. I’m not entirely devastated by the loss off the headway that I’d made on Book 2, as it wasn’t substantial, and I still have the copious notes I’d made to expand the text into something that adheres to the series as a whole.

    This past Saturday (11/30) was the fourth anniversary of Sage Holloway and the Ministers of Grace universe taking up a whole complex of houses in my head. Sage and I have been talking about getting back into Book 2 again. She’s got some ideas as to how she and Merula can kick more tail than they did in the first draft. Of course, we’re going to have to carve out some time for that. Ever since grad school ten years ago, I’ve discovered that the holidays are the worst time for trying to get anything writerly done. In fact, during the first draft, I had to take a break one-third of the way in because Christmas hit, and I resumed work after New Year’s in order to complete it by 1/20/10. I have no expectations for being massively productive over the holidays, as I’ve just moved yet again (but hopefully for the last time for a long time, really and truly and mercifully, after eight times in eight months), but if I do manage to get in some serious writing time, you can count me among the pleasantly surprised this holiday season. If not, know that writing a few times a week is going to make it to my assembly of do-this-in-2014 imperatives.

    And on a side note, I have been trying to get Cherubim & Seraphim added to the iBookstore, but the review process is taking a shocking amount of time. I’ll let you know as soon as it’s available for sale there.

    One of the things that I regularly engage in over the holidays is listing my favorite things that I experienced over the course of the year and sharing them among a set of interested parties. As this year was a particularly expansive year – one in which I was on the receiving end of so many generous blessings – I’m feeling similarly generous. Please find below my top fives sometimes moar, sometimes less of the Best Year Ever.

    ♥ EAB

    films – cinema excursions
    1. Pacific Rim – I’d had no idea that this film was about kaiju, and the surprise was so welcome that I squealed in the cinema when I found out. Guillermo del Toro always pulls together fantastic things, and this is no exception.
    2. Fruitvale Station – A harrowing film about the shooting of Oscar Grant in Oakland at the Fruitvale BART station back on New Year’s Eve 2008/9. You’ll cry at least part of your face off, but it’s worth it.
    3. Man of Steel – I’d never found the Superman mythology compelling until I saw this film. I know the reviews were mixed on this one, but I loved it.
    4. Evil Dead – I was heavily skeptical about this, given my love for the original Evil Dead trilogy and the musical, but it was actually scary.
    5. The Conjuring – Great little horror flick about the Warrens. Love it.
    6. Catching Fire – While I had serious issues with the engineering within The Hunger Games trilogy, I do think that the cinematic version of this tale can be saved. That Susanne Collins isn’t the primary writer on the screenplays means that it might actually be done right.
    honorable mentions
    1. Three Days of the Condor – There were a few films (often based on books!) from the 1970s that prophesied a time when corporations would rule the world, politicians would be powerless to those who manage their pursestrings, intelligence agencies would run amok without legislative oversight and the government’s assassination program would target innocents. Sidney Pollack helmed this one and cast his pal Robert Redford as the beleaguered lead in this often overlooked gem.
    2. One of the amaaaazing things about being back in New York is getting to see screenings of classic films at IFC and the Sunshine Cinema. I got to see a couple of my favorites this year: The Shining and Poltergeist. Seeing the full frame of The Shining on the big screen was particularly impressive, as all previous video releases were all in the 4:3 aspect ratio. (I can’t attest to BluRay editions, though.)

    b-films
    1. The Room
    2. The Room
    3. The Room – While it might seem absurd to name a film thrice, it’s because The Room is an unforgettable film, so much so that I believe that chanting it has to summon some terrible Beetlejuice-like creature with even worse hair and an indecipherable accent. It is rightly referred to as the Citizen Kane of bad films. While I adore the laughably regrettable and regrettably laughable missteps that comprise The Room as it is endured within the comfort of one’s own home, it pales to the interactive experience that one finds at a midnight cult showing. If there’s one by you and you’ve already partaken in The Room’s hideousness, go now or forever use your plastic spoons sensibly.
    4. Samurai Cop – If you were obsessed with Lethal Weapon photo stills and unillustrated martial arts how-to books and had never actually seen a film in your whole goddamn life, this would be the movie you’d make. It is a counterintuitive mess featuring a migrating wig and a scene-stealing police captain.
    5. Sharknado – I gave into the hype, and it was pretty funny. The sheer concept of it is SyFy gold.

    tv
    1. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – Joss Whedon (et al, as the case is), as brilliant as he is, has a hard time starting a serialized story. For example, Buffy the film wasn’t as good, and neither were the first few episodes of the tv series, but after it hit a stride a few episodes in, it was outstanding. The same thing went with Angel. And Firefly. In other words, you kinda have to weather that rough start to get to the gold. After a few episodes, I can confidently state that I’m hooked although I admittedly wasn’t convinced at first.
    2. Game of Thrones – This show is so damn good I can’t take it. #redwedding. That’s all.
    3. House of Cards – When I got my Netflix back – yay! – the first suggestion they made was this, and I binged. Brilliantly done.
    4. Law & Order – I watched all of it – all twenty seasons, every last episode in reverse order – during the winter while I was creating the final version of my book. It was a Benjamin Button experience, watching Sam Waterston age backwards until Michael Moriarty laid him to rest after cradling his infantine head and, too, aged backwards. This show became a standard for anthological cop/law tv, I miss it, and I’m sure I’m not alone in that. FYI: S. Epatha Merkerson does not age. The only change she ever makes is her wardrobe.
    5. South Park – They’re still doing it, and they’re still killing it.
    Perennial favorites still include Psych, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report.

    miscellaneous streamables
    1. Life of Pi – I still don’t like narratives about writers writing, but it’s such a beautiful film, so much so that I can even forgive the weird writer guy for looking so checked out every time he was on camera.
    2. Scott Pilgrim – I don’t know why I missed this one, but I’m glad I righted this wrong. Speaking of Michael Cera…
    3. This Is the End.
    4. The Dark Knight Returns, Parts I & II – Part II was released this year, and it was just as wicked as the previous installment.
    5. The Bletchley Circle – A surprising little British miniseries about a group of female codebreakers from Bletchley tracking down a serial killer in the ’50s.

    music
    1. Queens of the Stone Age – …Like Clockwork – I love these guys, and they’re back. The tracks in which Dave Grohl is on drums are transcendental.
    2. Wye Oak – Civilian – Singer Jenn Wasner has a husky frankness in her voice, like she’s letting you – and only you – in on a secret.
    3. Metz – METZ – Death by Audio, the music venue in Williamsburg, contains an innate falsehood in its name. The truth is that there are many other things that can kill you there, from the deterioration of the structural integrity of the warehouse in which it’s located, to the electrical system, and back again to the complete lack of temperature control therein. The only thing that won’t kill you is the music, but it is probable – and only probable and not due to one’s assertions on theology – that if you do die due to the collapse of a support beam while rocking out, you might be en route to heaven. When I caught Metz there in August ’12, the experience was such that I know that I will never, ever be as hot as I was in that venue after the power had failed and the indoor temperature soared well over 110 degrees. Nevertheless, I was so impressed by the band that they’ve been on my radar ever since, even though I only really dove into this album this summer.
    4. The M Machine – Metropolis I and Metropolis II – If you like electronica, start with “The Palace” on Metropolis II. You should be totally in love by the time you hit “Tiny Anthem.”
    5. Stevie Wonder – Innervisions – The day after I flew into LGA and moved back to NYC, I had brunch at Grey Dog in Chelsea, and “Don’t You Worry ‘Bout a Thing” came on, after Supertramp’s “Take the Long Way Home” played, and it was an apropos welcome home. This album was consequently on heavy rotation in the weeks that followed my return, and I recommend y’all revisit it, too.

    books/comics
    1. Brian K. Vaughan – Y: The Last Man – This is a phenomenal graphic novel series about a world in which all males on the planet have been wiped out by some mysterious illness save a 20-something human named Yorick and his monkey Ampersand. It’s an incredible critique on society as well as the underdeveloped state of feminism. I’ve been talking about this since I binged on all ten volumes over Memorial Day weekend.
    2. Stephen King – Doctor Sleep – I’m a King apologist, so while this is flawed, it was great to reconnect with Danny Torrance and feel some of the terror that King can convey in prose.
    3. Michael Lewis – The Big Short – Great little narrative explaining some of the WTF that precipitated the financial crisis of ’08.
    4. Victor Cha – The Impossible State – This is a comprehensive, alarming and unforgettable book about the sweeping sovereign dysfunction that is North Korea.
    5. John Burnside – The Devil’s Footprints – I love the darkly charming voice in this novel.
    honorable mention
    T.S. Eliot – “The Dry Salvages” from Four Quartets – It was a religious experience when I read Four Quartets a couple of years ago. I had the treat of making my way to Gloucester this year, where I was able to sit near the ocean and experience the atmosphere that surrounds the actual Dry Salvages, the rock formation just off the coast. The whole time, I had phrases from this portion of “The Dry Salvages” ringing through my ears:

    For most of us, there is only the unattended
    Moment, the moment in and out of time,
    The distraction fit, lost in a shaft of sunlight,
    The wild thyme unseen, or the winter lightning
    Or the waterfall, or music heard so deeply
    That it is not heard at all, but you are the music
    While the music lasts.

    live things/shows etc
    1. Rain Room at MoMA – By far one of the coolest installations ever. It was worth the wait to get in, because everything inside is prismatic and cool (temperature-wise, quite welcome in June) and beautiful.
    2. Magritte show at MoMA – I fell in love with Magritte’s clouds when I was visiting MoMA in June for the Rain Room. If you’re into surrealists, I highly recommend this show, esp. as it includes a number of private collection pieces that are stunning to behold with your own eyes.
    3. Book of Mormon – Have you ever laughed so hard that you (basically) black out? I laughed until my sides hurt, I thought I was going to puke, and until my brain shut off because it was just too damn funny. Save up your pennies over the course of six months and see this. It’s worth it.
    4. The Colbert Report on September 5, 2013 – Not only do you get to see Stephen Colbert out of character, you get to feel his energy. He’s an awesome presence on a stage. Plus I was on camera shouting, KILL THESE KITTENS!!!
    5. CitiField – Another great thing about being back in NYC is seeing the Mets play. Hellsyeah.

    web & apps
    Trust me and clicky-clicky:
    1. Texts from Star Trek: The Next Generation
    2. This has to be the angriest customer service call ever
    3. Pretty things: My Modern Met
    4. Moar pretty things: Petapixel

    miscellany
    1. I released a book, which was a massive life accomplishment. It’s the first in a trilogy called Ministers of Grace, and forgive me, but this is my shameless plug for it if you haven’t read it already. You can read all about it here: http://ministersofgrace.com.
    2. I also did some blogging about my time at ———-. Of course, it’s not at all about ———-. Not at all: http://copyclerking.tumblr.com/
    3. I am an addict and I must be put down because I can put down a half-dozen donuts from The Cinnamon Snail and still function normally. Best damn food truck in the world, I tell ya!
    4. At the start of this year, I made the following vow:

    Dear 2013,
    While you’re in charge, I vow to pursue expansion, discipline, and transformation with all the ferocity I can muster. I refuse to be limited by my expectations or perceptions.
    Love, EAB

    It wasn’t always easy, but I made this vow my mission. This has truly been one of the best years of my life, if not the best year so far.

    Here’s looking forward to doing it again in ’14.

  • Taking Risks

    In 2012, I found myself in a situation in which I either had to embrace change and transformation, or return to stagnation and somehow discover contentment in a situation that wasn’t working for me anymore. I definitely didn’t feel ready for change and transformation when they came to me, but I knew that if I didn’t allow them to lead me where I needed to go, I would regret it forever. Still, I had to get over being completely terrified of the great unknown that was ahead of me, but I subdued my fears and went for it, opening myself up to where life was ready to lead me. Unfortunately I had to wade through some terribly rank sewage when things didn’t work out, but I also had some amazing, incredible experiences that I can count among the best days of my life. In spite of everything, I learned more about myself, about love and about life than I thought I was capable of absorbing over the course of a year, and I feel like I’m a much better person because of it albeit still nursing wounds at the moment.

    So the next time you think you’re not ready for something, know that it’s just your fear trying to keep you from transforming into someone better than you are at that very moment. You are ready. But if you convince yourself that you aren’t, you’ll never realize how brilliant and resourceful and strong you are until you go for it.

    My wish for everyone who comes across this post either today, on New Year’s Eve, or at any other point in the future is that you all take risks and live the life you’ve always wanted to live. Start small if you have to and work up to bigger ones. Identify your priorities and do everything necessary to see that you meet them. Say what you’ve got primed on your tongue. Do what you’ve always wanted to do. Don’t hesitate. Live without regrets.

    I promise to remember this as I go forward into 2013. Happy New Year!

    ♥ EAB

  • On Blogging

    I was once a blogger. It was during the years in which was benched at desk jobs with very, very little responsibility, and I was afforded the luxury of being able to cut my writerly milk teeth by means of web-based rant, analysis and confession. My life and my perceptions have changed since then, and I’ve not blogged with any sort of frequency in several years and good luck tracking down anything I wrote back then.

    A couple of years ago, I launched this site with the intention of getting back into the practice. I created blog posts written by one of my characters from my Ministers of Grace series and provided histories for various angels and demons. However, not even a year later, I abandoned it due to time constraints and went back to writing novels, poems and screenplays.

    Blogging ought to be considered a medium unto itself with literary potentials that are still being explored, in part because it requires its own skill set that separates it from other forms of writing. Writing on command is a great part of it, which is what makes it sister to journalism, but the fluid, mercurial nature of the internet is what sets it apart, for blog posts can be searched and found and updated and edited and modified, even deleted.

    Self-censorship and all other excuses aside, I’ve come to realize that I need to rekindle my facility with the medium. I’ve no intention to blog about my writing process, because I can’t imagine anything more boring to anyone but me. My life is off-limits: I’m a private person, and if you want to know what’s going on with me, you can rather safely intuit my life’s events based upon the matter of what I write. I’ve considered writing about things of a political and social nature, but as they inspire the wrath that curls inside my pen and fuels my creative fires, I reckon I’d drive myself completely insane by consistently focusing on such darkness. Besides, I prefer expounding my opinions via fiction.

    Therefore, I’d like to announce the start of a new blog series. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to keep it up – it could last through the end of the year, or I might be able to keep it going indefinitely, who knows? – but during the third week of the month, I intend to provide a review and/or critical analysis of a book that I probably really should have read by now. You might be surprised: my late teens/early twenties were spent falling in love with Oscar Wilde, Rainer Maria Rilke, Virginia Woolf, Tony Kushner, Anne Sexton, Lawrence Durrell, C.P. Cavafy, Vladimir Nabokov and, last but certainly not least, Jorge Luís Borges. Weren’t you, too? I’ll be posting the first of this new series on Monday, kicking off the festivities with a post about Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar.

    I am once again a blogger. Hope you enjoy…

    ♥ EAB

  • And we’re back… kinda. Almost. Maybe not, but soon!

    I’m slowly but surely working my way back towards getting this site back up. Like the new look? We’ll see if it sticks. I love all this color… for now.

    In the meantime, I’ve installed a nice little rotating tagline plugin, since I couldn’t decide on a tagline for this rebirth of my site. It’s only fair to let you know that the source is from a poem I wrote last summer—yes, another @#$%ing poem—using sapphic stanzas for the first two, and then inverting the metrical pattern for the third and fourth stanzas. It’s one of my more personal poems. I figured it’d be a nice place to start, now that I’ve come clean. ♥

    “The lost river.”
    for Jeffrey—ata’tocha’he’

    It’s on that swirl of stones along the bank of
    the river where I stand, not sure where to put
    down my little boat, the one that holds all of
    my best intentions,

    for I know it will meet the indecision
    of currents, with one circuit leading to the
    here before me and the other to the now
    known within the mind.

    There’s no veil here to
    separate my wishes from obligations,
    my resolve from resignation, for the world,
    as I see it, in this here, in this now, is

    a reflection of
    everything within projected outside, and
    everything outside is prismatic against
    the definitions I’ve created within.

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